Embracing The Benefits Of Conflict

Is your relationship with conflict healthy, or do you avoid it at all costs?

Why managing conflict is more productive than just trying to avoid or ignore it.

If that’s true, what do I need to do?

 

In professional settings, cycles of communication and relationships may set in unconsciously when people are in conflict. Psychologist Stephen Karpman’s ‘Drama Triangle’ model illustrates this; it can help us consider the personal responsibility and power we hold within conflicts, as well as how the roles we take can consistently be destructive for ourselves as well as others.

 

A note that this model and these ‘roles’ have not been designed to excuse or explain bullying or abuse in a professional or personal setting in any way, and their relevance is intended for the context in which it’s given.

 

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The Victim (“poor me!”) always feels oppressed – they discount their own abilities to solve problems. If not being persecuted they will seek out a persecutor, they will also seek a rescuer who can ‘save the day’ but who further perpetuates the victim’s negative feelings.

The Persecutor (“it’s your fault”) is authoritative and controlling – their judgemental approach limits their ability to be vulnerable, whilst their criticism and aggression limits problem solving rather than supports it; internally, they are fearful of becoming the victim.

The Rescuer (“I’ll save you”) is an enabler – they keep the victim dependent and give them permission to fail, they also remove focus from themselves. They come across as over-helpful, self-sacrificing and effectively need to be needed.

 

There are no winners in these interactions, and individuals can shift between roles as they try and ‘escape’ their position within the triangle. Victims enlist rescuers and with support may begin to ‘persecute’ others, leading to persecutors becoming defensive and assuming the role of victim.

In short, simply becoming a rescuer instead of being the persecutor or victim should not be the aim; deconstructing the drama triangle must be the aim – no one has to operate inside the triangle.

 

Focusing on behaviours which help us, and others, to move ‘off’ the drama triangle can take conflicts into a social interaction which help explore and solve problems, validate opinions and build trust between those involved.

Consider the incremental shifts in progress that can be achieved as we increase awareness of the roles we assume in interactions, and then make adjustments in how we communicate. Voice vulnerability without sitting in the victim’s seat; exercise assertion whilst being non-judgemental; offer nurture which may validate, but doesn’t excuse responsibility.

Adapted from 'The Winner's Triangle' (Acey Choy, 1990)

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We may feel moving off the drama triangle takes everyone’s buy-in, and one person’s change in approach may only entrench others in the roles they are playing – especially if we feel that we’re the victim. Whilst a collective shift seems needed, the triangle perpetuates if we allow it to, and an individual change has a knock-on effect.

An example of this could be the victim choosing to share their feelings rather than allowing the rescuer to do this for them; this simple change impacts both their roles, and invites the persecutor to reflect on ‘self’ over manifesting judgement.

 

Don’t associate?

You may find yourself being a bystander to a drama triangle regularly being played out in front of you; by not saying anything you allow the game to continue. Consider how you can step onto the winner’s triangle and move the conflict into this space – this is not ‘standing by’, but may be serving as a ‘witness’. This nurturing role can take the victim’s triangle into the winner’s triangle.

 

Conflict in professional settings is inevitable; it can alienate, victimise and halt progress, when managed poorly or even avoided altogether. However, it can also widen viewpoints, enhance decision-making and build respect between co-workers.

Consider the part you play in interactions and challenge yourself to make incremental improvements to move conflict away from the ‘drama triangle’ and into the ‘winner’s triangle’.

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